We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Dear Carolyn: I’ve met someone I enjoy dating. He’s interested in a serious relationship with me, handsome, loyal, kind, and mature (he’s 33 and I’m 40). He has several artistic tattoos, and I abhor tattoos. I’ve been honest about my feelings, and he seems not attached to them. However, it is ridiculous and offensive to explore their removal after dating for only three months.
I guess I’m wondering how and if we can ever have a serious conversation about their removal without sounding like I somehow am entitled to weigh in on his body. Going forward, is the only solution that I fall in love deeply enough to no longer have them bother me?
— Threading The Needle
Threading The Needle: It’s really clear you feel like you’re entitled to weigh in on his body. Otherwise you wouldn’t even be thinking about this, let alone looking for support in doing it. If we believe in bodily autonomy, there’s no way we should be even suggesting that our partners change their hair or style of dress, and certainly not suggesting that they get or erase something as much a part of them as tattoos. If it was clear that your boyfriend regretted getting his tattoos, it would be reasonable to offer support in whatever he decided to do about that.
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I think you know you don’t really love him — at least not all of him, which is really what love means. I suggest you move on and leave him to find someone who does.
— Anonymous
Threading The Needle: If he got them, he’s attached to them. No one gets several “artistic” and time-consuming tattoos on a whim. Maybe he’s downplaying a desire to share their stories with you because you’ve made clear they make you uncomfortable? Most tattoos have a meaning and a story behind both their design and the desire to have it memorialized. I think you’re missing a chance to have some deeper conversations with this guy about things he finds meaningful.
— Courtney
Threading The Needle: Let’s turn this situation around and ask you to consider how you would feel if he asked you to acquire a couple of tattoos, maybe even duplicates of his own favorites. Wouldn’t you think, no matter how it was phrased, that the request was his somehow feeling entitled to weigh in on your body? Considering your stated distaste for tattoos, you would most likely feel he was weighing in on your body with a 500 pound scale.
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You have answered your own question by stating that it is “ridiculous and offensive” to discuss their removal after dating for only three months. Perhaps you would benefit from exploring why you “abhor” tattoos. If there’s something in your personal life that has resulted in this hatred, you would do well to examine it in depth if you wish to further this relationship, or you will probably lose this handsome, loyal, kind, and mature man as a boyfriend.
— AlliCat
Threading The Needle: I don’t have any advice for you. If I could talk to him, my advice would be to run as far away from you as possible, as quickly as possible. Three months of dating and you’re already wondering how to ask him to explore painful and expensive tattoo removal because you find them offensive as a general rule? No, you’re not entitled to weigh in on his body this way. What other major, unreasonable changes will you require for him to keep dating you?
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— Millroad
Threading The Needle: I think I’d start by digging into why you “abhor” tattoos. It’s a strong word to describe your feelings, and taking some time with that is worth doing. Did you grow up in an environment where they were considered trashy or low class? Do tattoos remind you of a particular person or situation? Is it something else? Once you’re there, you’ll be in a better place to decide whether they’re a dealbreaker, or just another (artistic, as you describe them) facet of this kind, handsome, loyal and mature man.
— TheNorthWing
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself, and they are edited for length and clarity.
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